Running Away from it all

I have always felt like I’m wearing a mask. You know that what people see isn’t how I feel, how I think or who I truly am. It was my way of keeping me safe. But then my mask started cracking and I would have these outbursts and just lose my ability to hide how I felt, what I was going through.  It started happening more and more. That’s when I’d flee. I’d move house, change friends, quit my job…. just so the people around me couldn’t get close, so people couldn’t see that I wasn’t ok. I was exhausted and I realized that no matter how fast or far I run the same things keep on happening. It’s like life makes you turn and face what you’re running from. I decided to stand and fight my demons.  I still wear my mask, and I am always tempted to run but I don’t.

I’ve been living in the same town, with the same friends and job for a couple of years now. I have really close friends who see me without the mask, who have fought their way in- because they love me. They are my support, and a mirror to me. When I start to freak out, I am not alone anymore; they are with me…. reminding me that I deserve and am worth the love and support of friendship and that I am strong enough to beat the darkest of my demons.

 Accepting

I was diagnosed with a mental illness when I was 13. I spent the majority of my teenage years trying to get medication right, to understand what was going on with my behaviour, my moods, my thoughts, and my feelings. I felt so powerless to the mess that was me.  I got really depressed and just wished I wasn’t sick, that I wasn’t different. Over the years I’ve gotten better at understanding my illness. There is a balance to life….. Juggling my thoughts, feelings, physical health, making time for self care, knowing my triggers, and understanding patterns in my behaviour, and asking for help when things get tough.

I never thought I would say this…… but now I am really grateful I am different. I don’t see it just as a mental illness but a unique gift. So many people go through life with such a shallow perspective. I have such a diverse experience. When I am depressed I remember the rollercoaster my life is. Can only go up when I feel real low, and when I’m too wired it scares me- I remember the lows- and I am grateful for the highs….. It’s helped me understand what balance truly is- and want to find my centre.