Self Harm

I’ve been cutting myself since I was 13. I’m now 18.  I don’t feel like I want to kill myself, I just don’t feel like until I cut myself, that  I’m even alive. I feel so numb, so out of touch that somehow the cutting sort of validates that. It helps me release overwhelming tension from what I feel because I don’t like to tell other people because it just seems stupid and I don’t like to seem ungrateful but I just feel so out of control. I sometimes use it a form of punishment when I feel guilty or have done something bad. I don’t do it for the attention like people seem to think, I do it in places people can’t see and only deep enough to bleed for a while. I know it’s unhealthy and I should see someone because it scares me sometimes but I feel so alone. I talk to one friend, and she said she will come with me to see a doctor, I know it will help but it’s scary and I don’t know if I can but I know I should try.